Alone.

I've read about it but never really believed it.  But it seems that people with experience tell the truth.  As time goes by, it feels like everyone has disappeared.  Forgotten what happened.  Moved on with their lives.

And it feels like they expect me to as well.  But instead, things get worse.  I cry every night after everyone goes to sleep.  I go through all of Alex's pictures and videos and I cry harder.   No one talks about him anymore.  No one reaches out to see how I'm doing.  No one has even brought up his birthday or asked if I'm doing alright as it gets closer. 

Alex's birthday is in 3 days.  I cannot believe he's not here to celebrate it.  That we'll never know if he would smash the cake and make a huge mess or be prissy like his sister and barely touch it.  We'll never know what kind of gifts he'd get or if he'd try to open them himself.  We'll never know if he'd be walking by his birthday like Emma or just crawling.   Right now I should be stressing about all of the details of his party, making sure everything has been ordered and is ready.   Not making sure we have enough Sharpies for everyone to write on the balloons we are going to release to him in Heaven or worrying if I'll be strong enough to go to the NICU floor and drop off the hats and sleepers we have for them.  I should be excited that Jeff is taking the entire day off to celebrate his birthday.... not that I'm grateful to have him at home just in case I can't even take care of Emma because I'll be such a mess.

We started getting things out for Zoe and getting ready.  I put up the jumperoo and had no issues with that because he never lived long enough to use it.  But when it came to the swing... I seriously just wanted to smash it into a million pieces rather than bear to put it up.  I know that all I'll see is him cooing at the animal mobile above his head and curled up swaying to the nature sounds.  Same thing for the bouncy seats.  They are both full of memories of Alex.  I thought I'd be able to use them for Zoe but I'm just not sure I can.  My grief is still so fresh and new.  He hasn't even been gone a year.