Crushing

Tonight the hole in my heart is so big. So deep. So empty. I admit that the pain has gotten so bad that I've thought of dying so I could be with you again. But I can't do that to Emma. And I can't take the chance that we wouldn't be together.

God I miss you. Every day it hurts more. You'd be 6 months old. Would you be sitting up? Rolling over? Starting solids? Would you be chunky?

When the pain is at its worst, it feels like I can't breathe. Like I'm being stabbed in the heart over and over.

I still can't make sense of it. And that day gets stuck in my head and replays over and over. And I feel your lifeless body. And I feel the screams inside me. The begging and praying. The crushing feeling when they said you were gone. When my own life as I knew it slipped away.

I don't go in your room anymore. I hate it. I hate how much I loved it. How empty it is now. I want to punch holes in the walls. Crush your crib into a million pieces. Rip up the curtains. Destroy it all like I feel destroyed.

I'm trying to plan for this baby. But I can't. I'm not at all bonded or attached. I'm sorry. I know you sent him/her as a gift to cheer us up. But it's not you. I want you. I don't want to get attached to another baby and love it when it might die too.

Every day I think the baby has died. I hardly have any morning sickness. I don't feel very different. Soooo much anxiety. I still expect to see blood when I go to the bathroom. I'm expecting the miscarriage. So why get attached? Can I break more than I already am? I wish I could call the dr every day to make sure the baby is fine but I don't and I live each day stressed to the max with anxiety.

I was crying every day again and starting to not function normally again. Wanting to stay home and cry. Snapping moods like a rubber band. So the dr put me back on Zoloft. Said I shouldn't have been off in the first place.

I don't know what to do anymore. I fake my way through the day pretty well and fall apart at night. I wonder when the big mental fall out will happen? Christmas? Your first birthday? The 1 year anniversary of your death? I want to shut down just thinking of it.

How do people survive this? I put one foot in front of the other but damn if my feet aren't getting really heavy.