The coroner's office just called to let us know that the genetic results came in. It was clean. Nothing genetically wrong with him. Physical autopsy was clean, nothing wrong with his lungs, heart, body etc. No sign of suffocation or any cause of death. We're still waiting on a few more results but she said that she expects them to come back clean as well. She said that most likely his prematurity was the main cause and that his brain was immature as a result.
That's hard to hear. Very. It's basically saying that because my body failed to keep him in for 40 weeks, that I failed him. My body failed him.
It's also really hard to have NO answer at all as to why he died. There's no comfort in that.
It's been getting harder recently. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the upcoming holidays? Or shock is wearing off. Maybe it's the pregnancy. All of a sudden I feel like maybe it wasn't a good idea to get pregnant again. What if we have another preemie? Am I dooming that poor baby to a death sentence as well?
So when I see people having preemies and being cavalier about it and brushing it off like it's not a big deal, just because their baby was a good weight, it really pisses me off. Prematurity isn't always breathing issues or jaundice or needing to learn how to feed. Prematurity also has invisible issues that you can't see. Prematurity means immature brains. Immature brains can lead to death. And don't think it won't happen to you. Because I NEVER thought MY baby would die. I always thought it would never happen to me. And it did.
I'm in such a weird limbo right now regarding this pregnancy. I'm happy, don't get me wrong. But I feel very guilty for being happy. And then I feel guilty for wishing this baby was going to be Alex.
Sometimes I just wish I'd wake up from this hellish nightmare. I had a few good weeks in there where I didn't cry all the time. Now I'm back to crying every day again.
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