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Last night was the first night I slept without a sleep aid in 5 weeks.  I was exhausted so that certainly helped a lot.  But I'm proud of myself for making it through the night without needing anything to help me sleep.

I had a pretty emotional day today.  I couldn't stop thinking about Alex and the day that he died.  I hate those memories.  I much rather prefer the days where I remember his laugh or his smile or the way his fuzzy hair felt.  I hate the days when all I can think about is how his lifeless body felt, how puffy and swollen he was, the way he smelled in the hospital and all of the tubes.  I hate remembering the primal screams that ripped through my body, the body wracking sobs and the utter despair.  Disbelief at times, unable to believe that it was really and truly happening for real.  Waiting to wake up. 

Perhaps because it was rainy?  It was rainy the day that Alexander died.  I'll always remember the feel of the pavement on my bare feet as I ran down the sidewalk.  The way the bottoms of my pajama pants were soaked.  Walking into St. Christopher's hospital wearing nothing but soaking wet hospital socks that they gave me at Reading. 

We got a beautiful oak tree today from some of my friends from high school.  So wonderful and thoughtful.  I love the engraved plague that came with it with Alex's name and dates.  I hope I can keep it alive.... I don't have a great track record with living things.  Obviously. 

The handprint and footprint mold came from St. Christopher's today.  They took them after Alex passed away.  I can't believe it took 5 weeks to get here.  It was hard seeing his tiny hands and feet on there. 

We had our first Hope With Friends meeting tonight.  A local SIDS support group.  I met a truly wonderful person there that I hope to become closer friends with who went through this exact thing just 2 years ago.  It was hard though... telling our story.  Reliving it all over again. 

Today is one of the days where I blame myself.  Where I'm shouldering a lot of guilt.  Where I'm wishing I had put him on his back to sleep.  That I had rocked him longer.  Put the Snuza on him.  Anything. 

To make matters worse, I started a 24 hour urine test today.  Dr. P wants to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly and weren't damaged by the pre-eclampsia.  Every time I sit on that stupid little hat in the toilet, I remember doing this every week in the hospital when I was pregnant with Alex. Except when I was there someone else came in and poured my pee into the jug and I didn't have to. :)

Definitely going to bed with a heavy heart tonight.  I miss you, Alex.