One month.

It's been an entire month since Alexander passed away.  A month since the last time I held his breathing, healthy, living body.  Since I felt his breath on my neck and heard his laugh and saw his smile.

I still can't believe he's gone. That part of my heart and soul that I'll never get back.

I would have traded my life for his if I'd have been given the chance.

I broke down at random times today.  At church this morning, a baby was being baptized and although Alex was baptized before his viewing, he never got a "real" baptism.  Hearing that baby cry hit me really hard.  It's strange, I do just fine with Brady and Jeremy.  In fact, I take comfort in their presence.  But with other babies, I have a hard time handling being around them.  I find myself either staring to the point where I'm sure their mother's think I'm some psycho who is going to kidnap them or I can't even bear to look and I rush out of wherever I am at that moment.

It's nighttime again.  And of course it's very quiet.  My usual time I'd have been spending cuddling with Alex. 


We have some new additions to Alexander's shelves on the bookcase.  A beautiful train that Jeff's parents bought in Italy.And a gorgeous wooden block from Jodie.

To keep my mind occupied and busy this weekend, I decided to rearrange things in the house.  Jeff always loooooves when I get in that mood.  It usually means a lot of work for him. :)  We took the brown leather couch from the playroom and moved it upstairs to the living room.  Rearranged things in there slightly and it looks really nice and open.  Then took the beige couch from the living room and moved it into the sunroom.  Then we took Emma's playhouse and kitchen and moved it down to the playroom.  We're eliminating the sunroom as a playroom.  I'm tired of having 2 toy areas to keep clean.  So the only "toy" things upstairs in the sunroom will be her table/chairs, easel and storage container that has her art supplies and workbooks in it.  We'll be moving the glider down to the sunroom from Alexander's room.  I just need to find a nice area rug that I like for in there and possibly a coffee table or maybe a storage ottoman.  Actually a storage ottoman would be nice in there to put some blankets,etc in.  Eventually, I'd like to hang up some plants in there as well. And maybe finally put blinds/curtains up on the sliding glass door... we've only been meaning to do this for about 3 years now. 

I still can't bring myself to throw away all of the frozen breast milk.  So I'm dealing with that by throwing out 2 bags at a time (12 oz) each time I open the freezer.  Even that hurts.  I still remember how hard I worked just to pump it!

Little by little, one step at a time.  It's hard making these changes and accepting that Alex is really and truly gone and not coming back.  When it comes time to paint his room, I don't know if I'll be able to do it.  Maybe I'll have a painting party.  Wine and pizza for anyone who wants to come help paint his room!  We're going to discuss it with both our therapist and Emma's therapist, but I'm fairly sure I want to move Emma into Alex's room. It's much bigger and I can't see us ever putting another baby in that room.  I'd be terrified every time I opened the door.

Speaking of babies.... we've decided to start trying to conceive again.  We would have liked to wait a little longer but unfortunately, time is not our friend when it comes to my infertility.  It will be risky.  No doubt about that.  Because my pre-eclampsia with Alexander was atypical, I have about a 30% chance of developing it again.  There's also the chance that we may not be able to get pregnant.  We only have so much money to put forth in trying.  The cycle that we got pregnant with Alex cost us $2,000.  We were very lucky.  I started some testing last week with Dr. P again.  Had a sonohystogram which showed no fibroids (thank God).  They could see my c/s scar but said that isn't unusual and shouldn't present a problem.  Next up, I need to go get some bloodwork done and do a 24 hour urine test.  Dr. P wants to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly and weren't damaged by the pre-eclampsia. 

I'm scared.  I don't want Alex to think that I'm replacing him at all.  I love him more than anything and I could never replace him.  My arms are so empty and my heart aches for a baby so badly.  I wish we had more time.  I wish my stupid eggs weren't so old.  I wish I didn't have a stupid sperm antibody. 

I wish I had my Alexander back so my family was complete again.