Closure?

Hardly.

The coroner's office called on Friday.  The autopsy had finally been completed 5 months after his death.  The results?  Inconclusive.  They determined, by exclusion, that he died of sudden unexplained infant death due to his prematurity.

So basically, we know as much as we knew 5 months ago.  Nothing.

Part of you wants so badly for there to be a REASON.  Something to blame it on.  Some tangible reason why his life was taken from us so early, after so little time together.

And all there is to blame is prematurity.

Eff you, prematurity.  Eff you, pre-eclampsia.

What was the POINT?!  What was the point in the month of bed rest in the hospital?  The 3 weeks of him hooked up to wires and tubes in the NICU?   Why on earth did we have to go through all of that fighting to lose him when we thought we were finally in the clear????

I don't understand.  Did I do something to deserve this?  One of Jeff's friends told me that I did.  That I deserved to have him die.  And that's all I can think about sometimes.  Did I anger God by getting divorced and this is my punishment?   Did I anger God by having a baby when we weren't married?   Did I anger God for defying nature and seeking infertility treatments to become pregnant?

And if I did deserve it for some reason, why did HE deserve it????  He was a tiny, innocent, sweet and perfect baby.  He deserved a long life full of love and first kisses and getting married and playing sports and annoying his sister and having his own children.   He was cheated out of so much.

I recently read a book called, "Heaven is for Real" and I'm trying desperately to cling to the ideals of the book.  That there really is a Heaven.  That God and Jesus are there taking care of and loving our children, even the babies that we miscarried.  That my loved ones (my Mema, Grandpa and Dad) are there loving them and caring for them until we are able to be with them again.