Triggers.

When you least expect it, there are triggers that knock you off your feet.  Today I was grocery shopping and wandered down the baby aisle.  Usually I'm okay with this.  Today, however.... I passed the baby food and stopped and looked.   And I almost lost it.  All I could think of was what kind of baby food would Alexander be eating?  What would be his favorite?  What would he hate?  How funny would his first taste of food have been?  Would he be independent like his sister and insist on trying to feed himself? 

Which then led to thoughts of... would he be chubby by now?  Would he still have red hair?  Would his eyes still be blue?

I watched a video this morning of when he was born.  Of his very first angry cry.  Of the oxygen mask on his face and the NICU team stimulating him.  He was so very tiny. 

For such a tiny little baby, the hole in my heart is so very huge.