Merry Christmas?

I tried hard to put on a good face today but it was hard. I miss you so damn much. How do you celebrate Christmas when a major part of your heart isn't there?

Missing you.

I can't believe Christmas is coming so soon.  I can't believe you're not going to be here to share the celebration.  You'd have loved the lights and the wrapping paper.   By now, you'd be putting everything in your mouth and squealing with joy at everything going on.

Oh how I miss your squeals and laughter.  I miss every single thing about you.  I don't think this hole in my heart will ever heal. 

Another goodbye.

Sunday night I had started bleeding which of course scared me so I called the on-call OB and she was very understanding, knowing our history.  She said that what I was describing was normal and nothing to worry about but that she knows how high my anxiety is with everything that happened this year so I was welcome to come on in to L&D for an ultrasound to put my mind at ease.  Jeff and I took Emma over to Melissa's so that I wouldn't have to go alone, just in case it was bad news.

We waited what felt like forever for the midwife to come in and do a cervix check.  She said there was no blood in my uterus and my cervix was closed up tight but that they were going to do an ultrasound anyway since that was what Dr. D had told them to do for me.  They wheeled in the ultrasound machine but were unable to get good measurements on it and the resident said she saw a tiny flickering.  So they sent us down to radiology for a better scan.

Down in radiology, the tech said that she wasn't allowed to tell us anything and she chatted while taking measurements.  I had a feeling something was wrong when she asked more than once how far along I was and when my last ultrasound had been.  She didn't tell us anything but I saw her entering notes into the computer and clear as day on the screen it said, "No fetal heart tones seen."   I told Jeff when she left the room and we both cried. 

When we got back to the room, the resident came in and told us that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 1 day instead of the 9 weeks 3 days that I was and that there was no heartbeat.  The baby had died just 1 day after our last ultrasound where we'd seen the heartbeat.  My HCG level was only 3,000.  Very low considering it had been 900 4 weeks prior.

We opted for a D&C&E since it had been 3 weeks and my body wasn't showing any signs of miscarrying on it's own.  They were able to do it the very next morning.  Wouldn't it figure that I would start miscarrying the night before?  The cramps grew so intense and contraction-like that I was awake most of the night in pain.  I was actually grateful for the surgery by that point because I knew the pain would be gone when I woke up.  When I woke up, I felt so empty. 

I just don't understand why this is happening to us.   I feel like our family is never going to be complete.  I'm never going to hold another baby of mine in my arms again.  I pass by Alex's nursery and I'm so angry when I see everything in there.  It's not fair.  I'm a good mother.  I don't understand why we can't finish our family.  Why babies keep getting torn away from us. 

I still can't believe my son is dead.  My sweet wonderful baby boy.  I miss kissing his lips so much and seeing him smile afterward. 

I don't know what we're going to do now.  Do we pour more money and heartache and fear into trying to get pregnant again?  Do we adopt?  And where on earth will we get the money for adoption?  I hate that time is against us. 

But for now, I have 3 months before I need to worry about any of that.  3 months of healing physically and hopefully emotionally as well.

Christmas is very bittersweet this year.  The only thing I want is the one thing no one can give me.

Realization

I realized this afternoon that I hadn't watched my Alexander videos in weeks.  What's happening?  I can't be forgetting because I don't go an hour without thinking about him.  So I watched some of them tonight. And my heart broke all over again.

He had an amazing smile that could just light up your entire heart when you saw it.  And his giggle that he was just starting to develop was adorable. 

I feel more empty now than I did before. 

Crushing

Tonight the hole in my heart is so big. So deep. So empty. I admit that the pain has gotten so bad that I've thought of dying so I could be with you again. But I can't do that to Emma. And I can't take the chance that we wouldn't be together.

God I miss you. Every day it hurts more. You'd be 6 months old. Would you be sitting up? Rolling over? Starting solids? Would you be chunky?

When the pain is at its worst, it feels like I can't breathe. Like I'm being stabbed in the heart over and over.

I still can't make sense of it. And that day gets stuck in my head and replays over and over. And I feel your lifeless body. And I feel the screams inside me. The begging and praying. The crushing feeling when they said you were gone. When my own life as I knew it slipped away.

I don't go in your room anymore. I hate it. I hate how much I loved it. How empty it is now. I want to punch holes in the walls. Crush your crib into a million pieces. Rip up the curtains. Destroy it all like I feel destroyed.

I'm trying to plan for this baby. But I can't. I'm not at all bonded or attached. I'm sorry. I know you sent him/her as a gift to cheer us up. But it's not you. I want you. I don't want to get attached to another baby and love it when it might die too.

Every day I think the baby has died. I hardly have any morning sickness. I don't feel very different. Soooo much anxiety. I still expect to see blood when I go to the bathroom. I'm expecting the miscarriage. So why get attached? Can I break more than I already am? I wish I could call the dr every day to make sure the baby is fine but I don't and I live each day stressed to the max with anxiety.

I was crying every day again and starting to not function normally again. Wanting to stay home and cry. Snapping moods like a rubber band. So the dr put me back on Zoloft. Said I shouldn't have been off in the first place.

I don't know what to do anymore. I fake my way through the day pretty well and fall apart at night. I wonder when the big mental fall out will happen? Christmas? Your first birthday? The 1 year anniversary of your death? I want to shut down just thinking of it.

How do people survive this? I put one foot in front of the other but damn if my feet aren't getting really heavy.

2 month grace period.

I thought I was doing well.  I really did.

But I'm completely losing my mind now.  I'm angry ALL.THE.TIME.  I cry every day.  Everything sets me off.  My temper is extremely short.

And there is someone in particular in my life who is constantly trying to make their grief more important than mine.  And he wasn't even their child!!!

Apparently you get about 2 months before the "shock" wears off and the reality sets in.  And once the reality sets in?  You get really damn pissed off.

Because that's what I am.  Really pissed off.

Never thought I'd have so many conversations with a coroner...

The coroner's office just called to let us know that the genetic results came in.  It was clean.  Nothing genetically wrong with him.  Physical autopsy was clean, nothing wrong with his lungs, heart, body etc.  No sign of suffocation or any cause of death.  We're still waiting on a few more results but she said that she expects them to come back clean as well.   She said that most likely his prematurity was the main cause and that his brain was immature as a result. 

That's hard to hear.  Very.  It's basically saying that because my body failed to keep him in for 40 weeks, that I failed him.  My body failed him. 

It's also really hard to have NO answer at all as to why he died.   There's no comfort in that. 

It's been getting harder recently.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's the upcoming holidays?  Or shock is wearing off.   Maybe it's the pregnancy.   All of a sudden I feel like maybe it wasn't a good idea to get pregnant again.   What if we have another preemie?  Am I dooming that poor baby to a death sentence as well? 

So when I see people having preemies and being cavalier about it and brushing it off like it's not a big deal, just because their baby was a good weight, it really pisses me off.   Prematurity isn't always breathing issues or jaundice or needing to learn how to feed.  Prematurity also has invisible issues that you can't see.  Prematurity means immature brains.  Immature brains can lead to death.  And don't think it won't happen to you.  Because I NEVER thought MY baby would die.  I always thought it would never happen to me.  And it did. 

I'm in such a weird limbo right now regarding this pregnancy.  I'm happy, don't get me wrong. But I feel very guilty for being happy.  And then I feel guilty for wishing this baby was going to be Alex. 

Sometimes I just wish I'd wake up from this hellish nightmare.  I had a few good weeks in there where I didn't cry all the time.  Now I'm back to crying every day again.