One holiday down...

I think the lead up to today was worse than the actual day was.  My original plan was to stay in with the lights off while Jeff took Emma trick or treating. It wasn't so much the actual trick or treating I was worried about but not wanting to see the looks of pity and people feeling sorry for me.  Or even hearing anyone say they were so sorry or they couldn't even imagine.  It's mostly why I've avoided any of the CTT events.  I don't want to be treated any differently than I was before.  I'm still the same person.  Just with a shattered heart.

Thanks to my wonderful friends, I was actually able to enjoy the evening.  The Kerber's came over for dinner and then Heather and Quin joined us for trick or treating.  I just couldn't sit at home while everyone else went out.  It didn't feel right.  I laughed and joked and had a great time watching the kids.  I got teary and sad when I saw 2 tiny little babies dressed up and out with their parents.

Sometimes I feel guilty for laughing or being happy at times.  It doesn't feel right.  Like if Alex can't be here to enjoy these things, none of us should enjoy them either.  But I don't think that is right either.  He was a smiley, loving baby and I don't think he'd be happy knowing we were so unhappy without him.

The firsts are just so hard.  He's already missed his first snow and his first Halloween.  I wish I could just ignore all of the upcoming holidays completely.

Some days I function okay.  Others it's a major struggle.

Happy Halloween in heaven, little pumpkin.  We miss you so much.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Enter Catchy Title Here

Last night was the first night I slept without a sleep aid in 5 weeks.  I was exhausted so that certainly helped a lot.  But I'm proud of myself for making it through the night without needing anything to help me sleep.

I had a pretty emotional day today.  I couldn't stop thinking about Alex and the day that he died.  I hate those memories.  I much rather prefer the days where I remember his laugh or his smile or the way his fuzzy hair felt.  I hate the days when all I can think about is how his lifeless body felt, how puffy and swollen he was, the way he smelled in the hospital and all of the tubes.  I hate remembering the primal screams that ripped through my body, the body wracking sobs and the utter despair.  Disbelief at times, unable to believe that it was really and truly happening for real.  Waiting to wake up. 

Perhaps because it was rainy?  It was rainy the day that Alexander died.  I'll always remember the feel of the pavement on my bare feet as I ran down the sidewalk.  The way the bottoms of my pajama pants were soaked.  Walking into St. Christopher's hospital wearing nothing but soaking wet hospital socks that they gave me at Reading. 

We got a beautiful oak tree today from some of my friends from high school.  So wonderful and thoughtful.  I love the engraved plague that came with it with Alex's name and dates.  I hope I can keep it alive.... I don't have a great track record with living things.  Obviously. 

The handprint and footprint mold came from St. Christopher's today.  They took them after Alex passed away.  I can't believe it took 5 weeks to get here.  It was hard seeing his tiny hands and feet on there. 

We had our first Hope With Friends meeting tonight.  A local SIDS support group.  I met a truly wonderful person there that I hope to become closer friends with who went through this exact thing just 2 years ago.  It was hard though... telling our story.  Reliving it all over again. 

Today is one of the days where I blame myself.  Where I'm shouldering a lot of guilt.  Where I'm wishing I had put him on his back to sleep.  That I had rocked him longer.  Put the Snuza on him.  Anything. 

To make matters worse, I started a 24 hour urine test today.  Dr. P wants to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly and weren't damaged by the pre-eclampsia.  Every time I sit on that stupid little hat in the toilet, I remember doing this every week in the hospital when I was pregnant with Alex. Except when I was there someone else came in and poured my pee into the jug and I didn't have to. :)

Definitely going to bed with a heavy heart tonight.  I miss you, Alex. 

Double the grief

Sometimes I'm so wrapped up in my own grieving and pain that I tend to forget everyone else's.  Tonight, Emma came out of her room after I'd put her in bed and she was crying.  She said she was missing Alexander.  I told her it was okay to feel sad and it's okay to cry and let it out.  And she did.  She put her arms around my neck and cried into my neck.  It breaks my heart to see how much she's hurting.  She loved him so much. 

It's still so hard to believe that he's gone.  My house has never been cleaner.  I'd rather it be back to being messy and disorganized again if it meant he'd be back.

Over the weekend I had the itch to rearrange things.  We moved a TON of things.  And it wasn't small stuff either.  We moved couches, playhouse, train table, etc.  Rearranged entire rooms.  The house has a different look and feel now and I like that.  It's almost as if I don't have any control whatsoever over my emotional chaos but I CAN control the physical chaos in the house.

I want to switch Emma into Alexander's bedroom when Jeff is ready.  I can never put another baby in that room without always flashing back to the day and moment when I found him every time I open the door.  So we'll paint the room lavender and decorate it for Emma.  She'll love having the larger room anyway. 

Something that all of this has taught me is patience.  I've never been known for having any patience at all.  But I find myself a lot more patient with Emma about certain things.  She likes to draw bedtime out as long as possible and beg for cuddles and stories etc.  When I find myself getting frustrated because I just want to go downstairs and watch tv and get lost in fantasy for a little while, I tell myself "What if she dies tonight in her sleep.... would I regret not having cuddled with her when she asked?"  The answer is always yes.  So I always lay down with her when she asks. 

Because I know she's having as hard of a time wrapping her mind around all of this as I am.  One minute she's holding her baby brother in her arms and then during his nap, he dies.  She never got to say goodbye.  I honestly just realized that she probably has never really had closure.  She never saw his body after he died.  I ran out of the house with him so fast that she didn't even notice.  She never saw him at the hospital or even at the viewing.  We thought it would be best for her.  But thinking of it now, I wonder what on earth she's thinking about everything.  He literally just disappeared for her.  And we're supposed to expect her to understand that his little body is now in a tiny marble box on the bookcase????  Or even more confusing, in Mommy's new necklace??

Tonight she asked me if we could go to the store and get a picture frame for her room and put a picture of her holding him in it.  How could I say no to that?  We will absolutely do that. 

I'm still struggling to find meaning in all of this.  Struggling to find the "lesson" I am supposed to be learning.  One thing I have definitely learned is not taking for granted what I have.  When I see someone talk about how their baby was up every 2 hours and they are so tired, I want to scream "At least your baby is alive to cry all night."  Or complaining about pregnancy, I struggle not to say "At least your baby probably won't die." or "Be grateful that you've made it further than I did."  So much I took for granted and never realized.  If we're blessed enough to have another baby, I know that I will now be thankful every time that baby cries and wakes me up.... because they will be alive. 

What I wouldn't give to breathe in his wonderful smell right now. 

Quote

"No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."

Why me?

I've been having a lot of those moments lately.  Why me?  Why did it take ME 2 years to get pregnant with Alex?  Why did I get pre-eclampsia so severely and spend so long in the hospital?  Why did MY son have to be born early and spend his first 3 weeks in the NICU? 

Why did MY son die?

Why me?

I think I'm a good person.  I have a lot of good friends and I try to be there for anyone when they need me.  I try to be the best mother that I can be.

I just really don't understand.... why me?

One month.

It's been an entire month since Alexander passed away.  A month since the last time I held his breathing, healthy, living body.  Since I felt his breath on my neck and heard his laugh and saw his smile.

I still can't believe he's gone. That part of my heart and soul that I'll never get back.

I would have traded my life for his if I'd have been given the chance.

I broke down at random times today.  At church this morning, a baby was being baptized and although Alex was baptized before his viewing, he never got a "real" baptism.  Hearing that baby cry hit me really hard.  It's strange, I do just fine with Brady and Jeremy.  In fact, I take comfort in their presence.  But with other babies, I have a hard time handling being around them.  I find myself either staring to the point where I'm sure their mother's think I'm some psycho who is going to kidnap them or I can't even bear to look and I rush out of wherever I am at that moment.

It's nighttime again.  And of course it's very quiet.  My usual time I'd have been spending cuddling with Alex. 


We have some new additions to Alexander's shelves on the bookcase.  A beautiful train that Jeff's parents bought in Italy.And a gorgeous wooden block from Jodie.

To keep my mind occupied and busy this weekend, I decided to rearrange things in the house.  Jeff always loooooves when I get in that mood.  It usually means a lot of work for him. :)  We took the brown leather couch from the playroom and moved it upstairs to the living room.  Rearranged things in there slightly and it looks really nice and open.  Then took the beige couch from the living room and moved it into the sunroom.  Then we took Emma's playhouse and kitchen and moved it down to the playroom.  We're eliminating the sunroom as a playroom.  I'm tired of having 2 toy areas to keep clean.  So the only "toy" things upstairs in the sunroom will be her table/chairs, easel and storage container that has her art supplies and workbooks in it.  We'll be moving the glider down to the sunroom from Alexander's room.  I just need to find a nice area rug that I like for in there and possibly a coffee table or maybe a storage ottoman.  Actually a storage ottoman would be nice in there to put some blankets,etc in.  Eventually, I'd like to hang up some plants in there as well. And maybe finally put blinds/curtains up on the sliding glass door... we've only been meaning to do this for about 3 years now. 

I still can't bring myself to throw away all of the frozen breast milk.  So I'm dealing with that by throwing out 2 bags at a time (12 oz) each time I open the freezer.  Even that hurts.  I still remember how hard I worked just to pump it!

Little by little, one step at a time.  It's hard making these changes and accepting that Alex is really and truly gone and not coming back.  When it comes time to paint his room, I don't know if I'll be able to do it.  Maybe I'll have a painting party.  Wine and pizza for anyone who wants to come help paint his room!  We're going to discuss it with both our therapist and Emma's therapist, but I'm fairly sure I want to move Emma into Alex's room. It's much bigger and I can't see us ever putting another baby in that room.  I'd be terrified every time I opened the door.

Speaking of babies.... we've decided to start trying to conceive again.  We would have liked to wait a little longer but unfortunately, time is not our friend when it comes to my infertility.  It will be risky.  No doubt about that.  Because my pre-eclampsia with Alexander was atypical, I have about a 30% chance of developing it again.  There's also the chance that we may not be able to get pregnant.  We only have so much money to put forth in trying.  The cycle that we got pregnant with Alex cost us $2,000.  We were very lucky.  I started some testing last week with Dr. P again.  Had a sonohystogram which showed no fibroids (thank God).  They could see my c/s scar but said that isn't unusual and shouldn't present a problem.  Next up, I need to go get some bloodwork done and do a 24 hour urine test.  Dr. P wants to make sure my kidneys are functioning properly and weren't damaged by the pre-eclampsia. 

I'm scared.  I don't want Alex to think that I'm replacing him at all.  I love him more than anything and I could never replace him.  My arms are so empty and my heart aches for a baby so badly.  I wish we had more time.  I wish my stupid eggs weren't so old.  I wish I didn't have a stupid sperm antibody. 

I wish I had my Alexander back so my family was complete again.