Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with grief but I hold the tears in. I'm afraid that once I start, I won't be able to stop. Sometimes it hurts so much that I can't bear it. A physical pain in my chest and I'm unable to breathe.
Part of me died with him and instead of getting easier, it gets harder. I miss him so damn much.
Tonight is hard. It's a really bad night. It's a night where I keep seeing his face and feeling his lifeless body. Where I beat myself up with wondering if I'd rocked him longer or tried to feed him again or kept him awake, maybe it would have changed things. If I had done something differently, maybe those 15 minutes would have been different and I'd be posting about being sleep deprived from being up late with my fussy boy instead of being up late because it hurts so much to have empty arms and not feel his body against mine.
Everyone tells me how strong and amazing I am. I'm not. I hold it in all day and explode at night when I can't hold it in any longer.
I want Alex back. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
7 comments:
You didn't do anything to deserve this.
We all died a little on that awful day. What was, and what might have been, for Alexander, you and Jeffrey, all of us, changed forever.
Dear Alexander, know that you were and are loved. Ask God to help us cope in a world without you.
Sara, we are all so sad that Alex is no longer in your arms. I can't begin to imagine how it feels. I don't even know you but I think about you every day. Alex will always be in your heart . . . it will get easier, but you will always miss him. Linda Wilder (friend of Dave and Sandy).
You absouletly did nothing to deserve this!
A huge part of you died along with Alex, it left you with a whole huge hole in your heart. Whether you believe it or not you are strong and amazing! Allowing yourself to cry, to scream, to be angry is all a natural way of releasing emotions. It's ok, let it out WHENEVER you need to.
((((hugs))))
Oh Sara, you did nothing to deserve this. Nothing. You are a great mom and you loved Alex through everything. I do not know why this had to happen, I hate it for you. If there was anything I could do to bring him back and make you not hurt I would do it in a heartbeat. Praying for you.
Others have already said it, but I'll say it again. You did NOTHING to deserve this!
Alex's death is the single most tragic, unfair thing I've ever experienced. Get mad. Be pissed. Yell, scream, CRY! It's so terribly sad and unfair! Dont wait for a 'good time' to let the emotions out--it the emotion is there, let it out. Surround yourself with those who truly love and care about you. Let us help you mourn. We will carry you as long as you need to find a way to go on. There is no timeline for grieving, so don't try to be 'ok' for others. Do what YOU need to do to survive each day...and remember that sometimes you need to live moment to moment. <3
I'm sending you a ton of prayers today, as I do everyday. I pray for healing, peace, and hope. I pray that you will find life again. I pray that even though your heart will forever have a hole the size of the grand canyon, you will find a way to live FOR Alex. <3
((((((((hugs))))))))
My heart aches for you Sara. This is the most unfair thing to happen to anyone, and it certainly can never be deserved. I know there is nothing that can take away the pain, or close up that hole in your heart other then having Alex back. I wish we could do that. But know that we are here to help you when you are in need, to carry you when you are weak, and to cry with you when you are afraid to let it out alone.
Love and prayers for you everyday.
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