10 minutes.

As I sit here thinking about how tomorrow would be my son's 5 month birthday, I'm angry.  I'm really angry.  Excuse my language here.... but I'm really fucking pissed off.  I want to rage and I want to break things and I want to scream until my voice is gone.  I want to hit something and punch and kick.  I want to hurt something as badly as I'm hurting. 

Normally I can hold myself together fairly well.  But tonight... I'm falling apart. All the pieces I've worked so hard to put together have come undone again. 

Instead of putting his 5 month sticker on a onesie and making him sit through pictures on the glider with the turtle, I'll be putting the sticker on a balloon and releasing it and hoping it finds him in Heaven. 

I just want to know WHY.  Why my son?  Why did I even get pregnant at all if I was going to have to go through this pain of losing him after going through so much?????  WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ALL OF IT???  I don't understand. 

I don't want a fucking necklace with his ashes around my neck.  I WANT HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND MY NECK.   I don't want to kiss his urn and my necklace goodnight every night.  I WANT TO KISS HIS LIPS AND HIS CHEEKS AND HIS FOREHEAD AND EVERY INCH OF HIM.

It hurts.  So much, it hurts.  How much can a heart endure?  How much can a person take before they break so completely that they can never be repaired?  How much pain and despair can you feel before your sanity is tested?

I WANT MY SON BACK.  God damn it.  I worked HARD for him.  I EARNED him.  I DESERVE him.  Don't I?  Don't I deserve him???  I gave myself shots in the stomach, went through surgeries, WAITED TWO LONG YEARS of trying to conceive him and then another 8 months before I was able to hold him in my arms.  I fought hard to keep him alive inside me and he fought hard to stay alive once he was out.  And then he dies during a freaking NAP????  10 minutes.  That's all I was away from him for.  How in the hell does something like this happen so fast????  10 minutes.

In 10 minutes, I went from cuddling and kissing and rocking him to picking up his lifeless body and screaming. 

10 minutes.  

My whole entire life changed in 10 minutes.  It only took 10 minutes to shatter my heart into a thousand pieces.

Why did this happen to me?!  I try so hard to be a good person.  I try to be loving and kind.  I try to be a good mother, sister, wife, daughter, friend, aunt. 

I sit here and I stare at his urn.  It feels so cold when I touch him.  And I'm in awe that his body is reduced to so little that it can fit in that tiny marble box.  I don't want him to be ashes.  I want him to be a living, breathing WARM baby wrapped in my arms. 

Tomorrow is All Saint's Sunday at our church.  I don't know how I'm going to get through it.  They are going to read Alex's name along with all the souls lost since the last one.  We sponsored the altar flowers for tomorrow in honor of Alex's 5 month birthday. 

I know that God only gives you what He believes you can handle.  But for crying out loud.... He's asking WAY too much of me. 

"What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."  Right?  I'm just praying that this doesn't kill me.  I already feel like it's killed me on the inside.  I'll never be the same again.  I'll never look at the world the same again.  From now on, this is a world where babies die.  Where little tiny, very much loved and wanted babies... die.  And there's nothing you can do to stop it.  Babies die.  They die and it hurts.  It hurts so badly that you want to cut your chest open just to rip out your heart so that the pain will stop. 

I don't think the pain ever stops.  How do you live a life with such pain?