Sunday evening (All Saint's Sunday), was really hard on me. I sat in Alex's room crying and telling him how much we missed him and how hard this was. I told him we were going to start trying to have another baby and assured him that it wasn't to replace him at all. It was because of him. Because we had loved him so very much and that our hearts were so empty and are arms were aching to hold him. I asked him if he could help bring us another baby so that it wouldn't take as long as it took us to bring him into our lives. I cried and cried until I fell asleep in the chair in his room. Woke up several hours later and went into my own room where I slept with his blanket, like I always do.
Strangely, the next day I was at Target picking up a few things and bought some pregnancy tests for some reason. No real reason since my period wasn't even late yet. I had to go to the bathroom before I took Emma to school so I did one and stuck it in my purse.
Boy wasn't I surprised to see this when I got to her school:
Totally freaked. What on earth! Thought I might be imagining it. So, of course, it was back to the store for some more tests. This time I wanted to see it show up in actual words before I'd believe it.
I pretty much hyperventilated right then and there. I immediately called my OB's office and asked for a beta. They said no, they don't do that. Um what? I've been through infertility, pre-eclampsia, a preemie and SIDS. I'm getting a damn beta. So I called Dr. P's office even though I hadn't started treatments yet, just testing. They did a beta the next morning. I was upset when it came back at 23, with a progesterone of 10.14. The nurse wasn't very optimistic and immediately put me on progesterone supplements. I went back 2 days later for a repeat beta. In the meantime, I did a few more tests.
When the nurse called with my second beta results, she said she had to double check the social, birthday and name because she couldn't believe they were my results. My levels had risen to 105 with a progesterone of 28. Doubling time of less than 24 hours!!!! Holy cow!!! She said they didn't even need to a third beta and scheduled our first ultrasound for November 21st. Of course, I had to do one more test...
Okay the test line is darker than the control line. I can officially stop testing. :) There's really something going on in there.
We have mixed emotions. Excitement, of course. We got pregnant on our own without treatments, without even really trying!! Fear. Lots and lots of fear. Of pre-eclampsia again, of miscarriage, that this is too good to be true. Of loving another baby and it dying. I don't know if my heart could handle another heartbreak like that. Mostly though... shock. We're very much in shock.
I don't FEEL pregnant. I'm nauseous and cranky and very tired. But I think it might just be me not wanting to get too attached, if that makes sense. I just keep waiting for something bad to happen.
I truly believe this was a gift from Alexander. A sign that he's up there watching us and listening and knowing how very much we are missing him.
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