At church today, they honored all the souls who have gone to Heaven in the past year. Of the list, Alexander was the only child on it. I did okay through most of the service but when they read his name, I lost it. I had to leave and go to the car for the rest of the service because I was having trouble holding it in. I got to the car as fast as I could and broke down. Huge, loud, ugly sobs. I punched the door and screamed inside the car, thankful that everyone was still inside the church.
I just miss him so much. I honestly never knew that I could feel pain like this and still live.
Alex would have been 5 months old today. I wish I could know what he'd look like by now. How much weight he'd have put on (if you're a preemie mom, you know all too well how obsessed we are with weight!). Would he be rolling over?
I hate being plagued with wondering if he's happy. If he's being loved in Heaven. That he's not alone. That he knows how much we all love and miss him. That we'd go to the ends of earth to bring him back if we could.
We sent him his balloon today. Emma chose another kiwi green balloon... this time a circle instead of a heart. She drew all of us on the back, along with Alexander and her "baby sister" that she insists is coming. Jeff and I wrote our messages and put the 5 month sticker on the front. We all kissed it and let go, watching the balloon rise in the sky, praying that it reaches Alex and brings him our kisses and love.
We miss you, sweet baby angel. So incredibly much.
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