How on earth could I put another baby in these things that he so loved and brought us such joy to see him in. That we look at empty now and still see him in them.
Some things we can reuse without causing us too much heartache. The crib, bookcase, dresser.
Others though.... I don't know if I can. Alex has 2 bouncy seats. They both have meaning to us and hold a lot of memories of Alex.
The Bright Starts Ingenuity bouncer that he slept in for weeks when he first came home from the NICU. He loved it because it actually bounced instead of vibrated.
I can't bear to use or sell either of them. They hold too much memories of Alex.
We were reusing Emma's swing with Alex and he liked it. I don't have the emotional attachment to that like I do the bouncy seats. Enough that I can't reuse it. But I do feel as though I can sell it.
All of Alex's clothes are being made into a quilt so there's no worry there. I kept the bigger ones with tags that he hadn't even gotten to wear yet. Emma's clothes are long gone, sold at a consignment sale. So I'll have to start all over again with clothing.
I'm not sure how to feel about the carseat right now.
Random thoughts. Just running through my mind.
I want to have the reckless abandon of excitement that women have when they find out they are pregnant. But I can't bear to bring the baby stuff out. I want to start all over again with all new things that aren't going to scream Alexander every time I use them. But it's not practical. We don't have the money or ability to do that.
I just want this baby to have it's own identity and not have to live overshadowed by it's older brother's memories.
To be able to have joy in it's arrival without the sorrow and guilt of missing Alexander.
I just miss you so much, sweetheart. I'd give anything to have you back in my arms again.
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