All over the place today

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay.  Which is a strange thought.  Because are you ever really "okay" after your child dies?

And then I feel guilty for feeling okay.  And then my mind wanders to Alex and I remember how soft he was and his wonderful smile and the way his fuzzy hair felt and smelled.  And just when I'm enjoying these memories, my stupid brain betrays me and I immediately flash to finding him not breathing, the way he felt so limp, screaming, more screaming, a lot more screaming, walking into the hospital room in Philly and seeing that he wasn't hooked up to anything and that there wasn't anyone in the room and just knowing.  Feeling the scream build up inside of me and pouring out right before I fell to the floor.   Literally feeling part of me die inside right there in that very room. 

And then I get angry.  Like right now.  Now I'm pissed off.  I want to think about my son and smile, not start crying and feeling my heart rip into pieces instead.

I try to be happy for other parents but sometimes that is just so hard.  Sometimes it's so hard that I don't even want to bother trying because it takes so much energy.  I see a 4 month sticker on a baby and I'm jealous that I had to put mine on a balloon.  I see people start talking about having a baby "soon" when they are 32-35 weeks and I want to show them a picture of my baby born at 32 weeks.  No pregnancy is so miserable that you should wish to have a baby that early.  I get furious when I see someone say that a baby born at 35 weeks will be fine.  "Fine"???  By who's definition and who can guarantee that?

I hate being so bitter and jaded now.  That pregnancy and babies will never be a completely joyous thing for me. 

I've spent the past couple of weeks of this pregnancy in fear that something is wrong or is going to go wrong.  Just waiting for bad news.  Just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's a very different pregnancy than what I had with Emma and Alex, so far.  Minimal morning sickness.  Just tired and dizzy. 

We had our first ultrasound yesterday.  While it should have reassured me, it didn't.  I'm grateful that everything appears to be progressing on time.  But we didn't see a heartbeat yet so I'm still scared.  

We've affectionately nicknamed the baby Roy.  As in ROY G BIV, since it's our rainbow baby.   But I'm not attached.  Zero bonding so far.  I guess I just figure... what's the point, in case it dies.  I have issues.

I've really been throwing myself into keeping busy as much as possible.  Driving Emma around all over the place... school, soccer, karate, gymnastics, playdates, etc. And then I started some crafting in my "spare" time.  The crafting has actually been very therapeutic for me.  It's quiet time I get to enjoy with my best friend while keeping my hands and mind busy. 

I just have so much guilt.  How can I be happy about this pregnancy without feeling guilty about it because Alex should be here instead??