Cheated.

Tonight I'm angry.  In fact, I'm furious.  I'm really pissed off that we have to start all over to complete our family.  I'm pissed that I went through hell and back to bring Alexander into this world, only to lose him shortly after.  2 YEARS to get pregnant with him.  Injecting myself with shots daily, hormones all over the place, invasive testing, surgery after surgery, devastation month after month.  And then lo and behold, our miracle pregnancy.  28 weeks later, the fight to keep him began.  Separated from Jeff and Emma, from my friends.  Alone for so much of my days for weeks on end.  Only seeing my daughter for 30 minutes each day, not seeing her for almost 3weeks. Lost the fight at 32 weeks.  Watched my sweet peanut fight for 3 weeks in the NICU.  Not even allowed to SEE him for 6 hours after he was born.  Not even allowed to hold him for 3 days after he was born.  My body failed him.  The one place he should have been the safest and it failed him. 

I had so desperately wanted to VBAC and my doctors were so supportive of it!  I hired a doula to help us and was so excited.  Lost the money we paid to her because she wouldn't refund us even after we found out I couldn't VBAC anymore.  Guaranteed c-section.

The c-section was awful.  My spinal did not take right away and I was tilted almost upside down trying to get it to work.  Sweet boy did not want to come out and I bruised very badly as they had to reach up very far (he was high breech) to try and get him out, yanking and yanking and shaking the operating table.  And then panicking when I didn't hear him cry.  Joy and elation when he finally cried.  Kissing his beautiful face before they took him away.  And then the worst part... my spinal wore off while they were still sewing me up.  I will never forgot how that felt.  I almost threw up.

The recovery was almost as bad as the surgery.  24 hours on magnesium.  Oh my God, I was so sick.  They brought in 2 fans on high because my skin was on fire.  I was cocky and the first few hours didn't affect me at all and then it caught up with me.  I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I passed out constantly mid sentence and even while typing on my phone.  Wheeled into the NICU in my bed and feeling like a horrible mother because I had to ask to leave because the heat from the NICU combined with the mag almost had me throwing up right there in the NICU. I couldn't even see Alex anyway... just a bunch of wires and tubes in his incubator during the brief moments I could stay awake.  Walking was horrible when I was finally forced to get out of bed.  I cried with every step.  Apparently incisions at 32 weeks are harder to heal from than 40 weeks.  Add all of the bedrest on top of it and walking down the hall to the NICU was like running a marathon.

At my 6 week post partum checkup, I was told that if we decided to have more children, I would not be able to VBAC.  I'd have to have a scheduled c-section.  I knew I did not want another c-section recovery so we were done.  We were thrilled with our "million dollar family" and felt complete. 

And then he was gone. 

And here we are starting all over again to have a baby.  Going through the hell of the negative pregnancy tests, injections, spending more money on treatments, blood draws, etc.  No guarantee that we'll even be lucky enough for another miracle. 

I'm angry.  I feel cheated.  I worked damn hard to bring Alexander into this world and I loved him with everything I had.   I loved having a son.  I was so excited about the mother/son bond that I'd heard so much about and was already starting to experience it.

I have so many fears.  What if we don't get pregnant again?  What if we do and I miscarry?  What if I get pre-eclampsia again and we aren't so lucky this time and I, or the baby, or both, die?  I'm so torn and I feel guilty.  I want a healthy baby but will I be sad if I don't get the chance to mother a son again?  And on the other hand, I don't want to start over.  I don't want another baby.  I want Alex.  I want my son back.  I still don't understand. 

The pain is still so awful.  I'm afraid that one of these days, I'm going to start crying and I'm never going to stop.  Most of the time I feel like my shattered heart is  only being held together by scotch tape and won't hold together forever.